Apr 18, 2008

The wedding is the hardest part

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

With the warm weather rapidly approaching, all you brides-to-be planning summer weddings are no doubt feverishly working on finalizing your ceremony plans. And with good reason - it's not like your bridesmaids are going to pick out those hideous dresses on their own, right?

This sense of urgency is particularly great for women in their mid-30s, many of whom have already planned their wedding days down to the very last detail - except for the minor matter of finding a man to marry.

Part of the problem, of course, is that so many women have been brainwashed by Julia Roberts movies and fairy tales like Cinderella to believe that, if you wait long enough, Prince Charming will eventually come riding along and save you from life on the streets as a Hollywood call girl. Which would be fine, except that the few characteristics most of today's available single men share with Prince Charming include no visible means of employment, living at home with their parents and harboring an unhealthy obsession with feet.

Of course, amidst all the complaining about the lack of dateable men, how do you ladies respond when a guy comes along who's shy, quiet and unassuming, but for months has secretly had a crush on you and longed to get to know you better? You claim you never even noticed him, which is pretty implausible, considering he was right under your nose the whole time, hiding there in the bushes outside your living room window with a pair of binoculars.

But maybe you have managed to land a man, and you two have already got your wedding date set. Congratulations! Clearly you have mastered the art of settling for less than your ideal. This is an important skill that will come in handy while planning your upcoming nuptials.

To make sure your special day is everything you've dreamed about since you were a little girl (except maybe for the unicorns and rainbows), the rest of the column will be dedicated to answering some pressing wedding-related questions that many concerned brides-to-be are struggling with:

Question: I can't have nearly as many guests at my wedding as I would like. How do I narrow down my invite list?

Answer: List-winnowing is, admittedly, one of the toughest wedding-related chores you face. Thankfully, there is no need to exclude anyone from your invite list. However, you should only mail actual invitations to the people you'd genuinely like to attend. Everyone else should just receive an irritated call from you a week before the ceremony, asking why they never RSVP'd. They will, of course, protest that they never received an invitation from you. Go ahead and blame the post office for misplacing your mail, then shift into apology mode and explain that, while you understand that it will be nearly impossible for them to make arrangements to attend at this late date, you will be glad to forward along all your gift registry information.

Question: I hear a lot of horror stories about so-called "bridezillas." How do I know if I've become one?

Answer: This is your wedding (and, to some extent I guess, the groom's), and you have the right to expect perfection on your very special day. So what if that means risking destroying a lifelong friendship with your maid of honor over, say, fingernail polish color. Still, since you asked, here are some telltale signs to watch out for that may indicate troublesome "bridezilla" behavior:

- Nearly all discussions about wedding preparations end with your fiance, parents, wedding planner, caterer or member of the clergy saying to you, "OK, we can discuss this, but first you're going to have to put down the chainsaw."

- Your bridesmaids have taken to referring to you as a "slave driver," an image you haven't exactly dispelled by demanding that four of them carry you around everywhere aloft on a litter like Cleopatra.

- You occasionally put on your wedding dress, then emerge from the sea to destroy Tokyo.

Question: I'm on a pretty tight budget, but I still want to have a big wedding. Any cost-cutting tips?

Answer: Have you thought about pursuing a corporate sponsor for your wedding? A marketing tie-in can help finance the extravagant wedding you want and can often be so subtly worked into the proceedings that guests don't even notice:

Best Man: "Thank you all for being here to witness the joining of Sheldon and Louise, a union every bit as blessed as the savory blend of sweet and sour sauce in the delicious Hooters Hot Wings you're all enjoying."

With the help of these simple suggestions, you should be well on your way to planning the perfect wedding day. Or, even if it doesn't go so well, at least you'll get in some valuable practice for the second time around.

Malcolm Fleschner requests that in lieu of gifts, readers just send cash to Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.