Feb 28, 2008

Let's get fiscal

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Californians come in for a lot of guff from the rest of the country, some of it, admittedly, for legitimate reasons. I remember my grandfather used to joke that "when they turned the country on its side, all the nuts fell to California." This is, of course, an exaggeration. Recent research by the American Psychiatric Association puts the actual number of the nation's nuts currently residing in California at no more than 85 percent.

All the good-natured ribbing aside, our fellow Americans have to admit that, despite our idiosyncrasies, we Californians are a resilient people. Practically every day we bravely face down the near-constant threats assailing us from earthquakes, mudslides, shark attacks, marauding bands of aggressive paparazzi and those annoying little ants that swarm all over your kitchen if you leave so much as half a glazed doughnut on the counter for 20 minutes. Truthfully, in what other state can people legitimately claim to have been driven from their primary residences by approaching wildfires, only to be unable to reach their second homes mere hours away because of blizzard conditions?

For my money, there's no better example of our resilience, combined with a uniquely Californian optimism, than the fact that we elected Arnold Schwarzenegger governor. At first Arnold's candidacy was the source of much mockery, but did we Californians care? No way! Having taken a sober look at our ongoing financial troubles, intractable political gridlock and a culture of "business as usual" in Sacramento, we said, "You know who can solve this? An aging, gap-toothed, foreign-born action star with no political experience who can't even pronounce the state's name properly!"

Shockingly, it appears that putting a former bodybuilder in charge of the world's fifth largest economy hasn't worked out so well, leaving the state currently $14.6 billion in the red. Or the black. I always get those two confused. Whichever one means we owe the money.

The point is that, despite his promise to bring responsibility back to state government, Arnold has managed to steer California - excuse me, Kully-FOR-knee-uh - into the same kind of financial mess that got his predecessor recalled. But why dwell on the past, particularly when doing so makes California voters look like a bunch of nitwits? No, instead we need to cast our gaze forward and find a workable solution to the current budget crisis.

I admit that I'm not much of an expert in state governance, but then again, I'm not an actor. Still, I have a couple money-saving suggestions that Governor Schwarzenegger might want to consider. The first relates to all those television commercials I see promoting California tourism. You probably know the ones I'm talking about. They depict the governor and his wife, along with a variety of other celebrities, surfing, playing golf, going to Disneyland, touring the wine country, joining cults, leading police on low-speed freeway chases in white Ford Broncos - all the recreational activities typically associated with California. My problem is that we're paying to broadcast these ads to viewers who already live in California. What is the expectation here, that we'll see one of these ads and suddenly shout, "Honey, forget about that family trip to Ohio to see the world's largest collection of Hummel figurines - we're going to California instead! Thanks, Governor Schwarzenegger!"

My other idea is to take responsibility for the state's budget away from Arnold entirely, and hand it over to another actor who has demonstrated a true wizardry with financial matters: Wesley Snipes. As you may know, the "Blade" actor was recently acquitted on federal tax evasion charges, despite admitting during the trial to not filing any tax returns for the years 1999-2004, a period during which he earned tens of millions of dollars.

Now sure, Mr. Snipes' approach to financial matters may be a bit, um, unorthodox, and yes, he does still face the prospect of a three-year jail term on other misdemeanor tax charges. But in the meantime, isn't this just the sort of resilient, "outside-the-box" thinking California needs to solve our budget woes? I particularly admire that, at the same time he was neglecting to submit tax returns, Snipes was reportedly applying for $11 million worth of tax refunds. It's a classic, "I don't owe you money - you owe me money" maneuver that could serve our state budget well.

I know what you're probably thinking, that anyone the state owes money to would balk at such a juvenile and transparent gambit. Sure they would; that is, until Governor Schwarzenegger shows up with newly appointed state budget "officials" Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal in tow to help explain to the state's creditors, through the application of sound arguments and headlocks, the clear benefits of paying up.

Now that's what I call a return to fiscal "discipline."



Malcolm promises to pass on to the governor all the other workable budget solutions readers email him at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.